A Kennedy Sorta Christmas

Now, I've got a confession: I am, for no apparent reason, obsessed with the Kennedy family. We are not talking a little obsessed. We are talking full-on, obsessive-compulsive, stalker-like obsessed. I know an insane amount of mundane pop culture details, because that's what I go for. I'm not thinking historical, as in pondering the grassy knoll or the second shooter. What I think is, "Gee, I wonder what became of that pink Chanel suit that Jackie was wearing when JFK was shot?", or "Gee, I wonder how long Jackie waited to start dating after John was assassinated?" Once I think up these questions, I have no choice but to devote some time to research, because otherwise, the question will keep popping up in my mind. Should you ever be on 'Who Wants to be a Millionairre', I could totally be your lifeline if you got stuck on a question about the Kennedy family.

There is no real reason for this Kennedy fetish, other than my certainty that I should've been born a Kennedy. Despite the fact that I am not Irish, I am not athletic, I am not a womanizer and I am (usually) not drunk, I feel certain that I have been cheated in this life and that I should have my own spot in the Hyannis Port compound.

I have asked my mother, on numerous occassions, if she is absolutely certain that I am not a Kennedy: 100 percent certain?!? Since JFK died in 1963 and RFK died in 1968 and I was born in 1977, that only leaves me one paternal option: Ted Kennedy. I have asked the question over and over, in passing, if Ted Kennedy could perhaps be my father. I gave my mother one last shot at redemption this summer, when upon Ted's death, I asked her to fess up to my being Ted Kennedy's love child. She responded with, "Honest to God, J. Do you REALLY think you'd be living in northern Minnesota if your goddamn father was Ted Kennedy?" Good point, but nevertheless, I continue my pursuit to gain entry to the Kennedy family.

My friend K moved to Cape Cod last summer, because her husband is in the Coast Guard. I have asked her many, many times to see if she can hook me up with a Kennedy. She has tried to explain that the Hyannis Port compound isn't what I think it is: you can't just drive up to it to spy or gain access. I have suggested that perhaps she could start hanging out at the grocery store nearest the Hyannis Port compound and ask each young man, as he either enters or exits the store, if he is a Kennedy, and if so, if he would be interested in marrying a divorced single mother from northern Minnesota? So far, she has refused to do this, but I still hold out hope. She's coming for a visit in a couple of weeks, and maybe she plans to surprise me by bringing along a Kennedy.

I have spent a considerable amount of time reading Kennedy family books, mostly to look at pictures of Jackie, my dead-girl-crush. Even though we were born decades apart, I strive to master her style. I am currently saving for a set of replica Jackie pearls issued by the Franklin Mint, and I am rarely seen without pearls of my own, albeit fake. Michelle Obama comes in a close second as my girl-crush, but Jackie will always hold that top honor. Not only did she nail a Kennedy, she managed to score the richest man in the world when she picked up Aristotle Onassis. Not bad for a Bouvier.

So, since I have only the utmost of respect for anything bearing the name Kennedy, I was shocked to tears when someone presented this to me at a board meeting last week:

Christmas gift idea: maybe the carrier John F. Kennedy | Jacksonville.com

Really? I mean, seriously? I can still envision the photos from the day the JFK carrier was christened (a good ten years before my birth), with Jackie in her sweet kidd gloves and Sweet Caroline doing all the work. Now it's just getting tossed? JFK was perhaps the most-beloved liberal leader, next to Barack Obama, and now this tribute to him is merely trash? It feels like a slap in the face, a final nail in the coffin of the Camelot era, especially since the reason the John F. Kennedy is being de-commissioned is this: "When the Kennedy was de-commissioned, the Navy was told it had to keep it on the books until the USS George H.W. Bush was commissioned. When the new ship was signed off on this year, the process of deactivating the old ship began."

I've thought it over, and my yard is fenced in and nearly the size of a football field. If anyone isn't done with his or her Christmas shopping and needs a last-minute gift idea, this would cut it. Plus, it's free.