Monday, December 28, 2009

75 Hours...and counting...

I hate seeing myself as a negative, chronically pessimistic person. I like to think I am not. Sure, I am a bit cynical and sarcastic, but overall, I like to think of myself as positive. Or at least able to fake positive to the outside world.

I am not, however, feeling so positive or happy right now. Not at all. Maybe it's the holidays. Holidays can be no fun when you are alone, because it leaves you feeling so...alone. And the Christmas holidays just may go down in the history books my worst, and I don't expect New Year's to be much better. See? Cynacism. Or is it simply realism?

Right now, I am feeling pretty damn sorry for myself. Like, all-out, unproductive, lay-in-bed-with-the-dog-and-cry sorry for myself. My house still has that FMH look I first debuted a few posts back. It takes me an eternity to finish even a small task, because I will find a way to divert my attention to my own patheticness instead.

I realize that there are people out there who have it way, way worse than I do. I know this. There are people who are jobless and homeless. There are people grieving the loss of a loved one. There are people dealing with terminal illnesses. There are people eating Kraft Mac-n-Cheese not by choice, like me, but because they truly cannot afford anything else.

Alas, I still feel sorry for myself. I could make a list of all the things that make me feel sorry for myself, but then I'd have it in writing, and one day in the future, when I am out from under this giant cloud of self-pity, it will surface, and I will have no choice but to mock myself over my "problems". Worse, someone else would find it and make fun of me. There are few things worse than that: being made fun of. I'd rather be dishing it out than taking it in.

So, to cope with my incapacitating sadness, I am allowing myself 75 hours of sorrow. 75 hours. I chose this, because as of right now, there are 75 hours left in the year 2009. Once 2010 hits, the sadness and patheticness have got to go.

So, here I go...75 hours to get out all of my tears and sadness and anger...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

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