Monday, February 23, 2009

Man-ney! Man-ney!

February 13, 2009
The day has arrived for AC's annual wellness checkup. Mercifully, we have been blessed with a child who has been extraordinarily healthy from day one, and we have rarely visited the doctor outside of checkups and shots. I explained to her that she would be seeing her doctor this afternoon, and she spent the day chanting, "Man-ney! Man-ney!" If only all patients showed such enthusiasm.

As AC was playing this morning, I mentally plotted out our day: the doctor appointment was at 4:15...or was it? I had a photographic flashblack to the calendar on the wall in my office at work: I was certain it said 3:15. I called to verify her appointment, and sure enough, forces that I don't understand had combined and led me to make this 3:15 appointment, which meant AC and I would be facing a napless day. Sigh...naptime signals alone time for Mommy. Not today, apparently, which is unfortunate, because this now means that I will have to get ready with an audience.

I hopped in the shower, AC in tow. She screamed and cried, as though she was filming that shower scene from 'Psycho'. Having no other choice, I placed her on the bathroom rug as I finished. She acted as though she was certain I was being sucked down the drain. Following the shower, we got to do her favorite getting-ready task: applying makeup. Other mothers do not allow their children to apply makeup before high school. My toddler wears it now. She proceeds to dig her fingernails into my cream blush, smearing it across her own cheeks. This was topped by a generous dollop of Bare Minerals powder all over her face, my hair and the carpet.

At 2:30, I prepared for the inevitable departure by popping a Klonopin. After we got ready, I let our nasty golden retriever out for a quick pee break. He took advantage of his independence by deciding to carouse around the neighborhood. As AC stood at the door yelling, "Kenn-dee! Kenn-dee! Walk! Now! C'mon!", I captured him with his leash and hauled him home. When I approached to leash him, I had a sudden, violent flash of anger: it was all I could do to control myself from beating him in the head with the plastic part of his leash. I figured that serial killers probably get a similar flash before commiting a murder.

After we checked in to see "Man-ney!", AC gleefully checked out the aquarium while I filled out her questionairre. We were given a pager that would vibrate when it was our turn--just like the restaurant!--and I smirked to myself over the given reason: privacy. After all, I'd hate for anyone to witness AC's name being called for a wellness exam. After her weigh-in that indicates she's still sitting at the 97th percentile for weight and 87th percentile for height, AC put on her big girl panties and promptly hid behind the exam room table. Luckily, she obliged with Man-ney and came out for exam, and got a clean bill of health. She was given a green "lilly-pop" for her cooperation.

Since it was Friday night, it meant I got to drop AC off with my mom. We arrived at my mom's house before she did, and AC immediately demanded that she watch 'Dumbo'. I rolled my eyes in agony, as 'Dumbo' is about as politically incorrect as you can get: the beat-down of circus animals coupled with the depiction of black slaves. Leave it to my mother to screen such fare.

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