You Won't Feel A Thing...

So, I've got this friend, a guy I've known for 10 years. We had the briefest of flings, waaay back in the day, that never amounted to anything, because the odds were entirely stacked against it. He lived four hours away. We worked for the same company, and that company considered dating co-workers to be incestuous and frowned upon. We were both nearly done with college, me for my BS and him for his MBA. It was nothing more than some super-steamy kissing, anyway. I could elaborate on the details of this kiss, which wins my award for "Hottest Lifetime Kiss", but then my friend Ang (thisiswhatimmadeof.blogspot.com) would lecture me again that my blog needs one of those "adult content" disclaimers, like her ever-so-nifty blog has. Let's just say that it was hot enough to keep me wondering about a progression of activities, even 10 years after the fact.

To make a long story short, he begged me to go back to his hotel with him. Begged me. I refused, because I was a nice girl who was looking for a husband, and nice girls who are looking for husbands don't have one night stands with boys they've known all of eight hours. Looking back, I regret that decision with every ounce of hormone in my body. See above: potential for progression of the Hottest Lifetime Kiss award.

A few years ago, we became Facebook friends. We were both married. He still is. Eventually, I busted him on his secret Facebook relationship with me, because I could not stop myself from Googling his wife. What?!? I just wanted to see a picture! It wasn't stalking! It was investigating! I found her Facebook. Him and her are not "friends". I am his only Facebook friend, on his secretive Facebook account. I am, in essence, his dirty little secret.

We exchange messages that have, from time to time, been a bit, um, scandalous. Not the kind of thing that I'd want to find, as a wife, that's for sure. Worse, I feel no guilt over it. I don't think about her. I don't think about his sons. I don't ask anything about his life, because to see him as a father or as a husband or as anything in real life would cause me to feel an emotional attachment, and that would hurt too much. His actions are his actions...I can't control that, even though I know that I would be a participant in something that could break his wife's heart, because my willingness to respond to him is obviously implied consent. Perhaps I have the ability to be so flip about it, because when I was married, I prayed for a woman to try and steal my husband away, so I wouldn't have to do the dirty work of divorcing him myself.

I have told him that I am like a burning match: he can't stop himself from lighting it. The temptation is too great. But as the fire burns down and the heat gets too close to your skin, you have a choice to make. And his choice is always made in fear, and that is to drop that match. But yet...he always comes back to strike that match right back up, even though I suspect it is more for his satisfaction than mine. I am sure, for a married 40-year-old guy, toying with me is a bit of an ego boost. Sometimes, I wonder to myself: if it really came down to it, if he decided he wanted to let that flame burn instead of drop it, could I actually follow through, or would I run? I'd probably run like Bambi from a hunter.

I have often thought of this "flirtation", and like to play a little game with myself, based on the lyrics of a Diddy song: "Let's play a game...let's pretend for a second you don't know who I am or what I'm about...and let's just put it to the test..." If things were different--if I weren't so lonely and hadn't been trapped in such a lonely marriage for so long--would he even be a consideration in my life? If I were to meet him right now, today, would there still be that intrigue, that attraction? I doubt it. He's let slip some pretty unsavory behaviors, including drinking at home after he puts his sons to bed, and drinking whiskey starting at 3 in the afternoon. Totally not classy, at least by my standards. But right now, it's the closest thing I have to attention from the opposite sex, so it's easy to fall into that trap. Besides, because I never had any real feelings for him to begin with and because I already know he's an untrustworthy cad, I don't have to be concerned about actually developing emotions for him or getting hurt.

Needless to say, we don't ALWAYS have inappropriate conversations. He messages to say Happy Halloween. He messages to say Happy Thanksgiving. He messages to say Happy Birthday, and Merry Christmas and today, Happy New Year.

Today's hit me especially hard...he thinks of me often enough to remember to send a message marking every occassion, but tonight, at midnight, he will be kissing his wife. And I will be alone.

There's something to be said for those New Year's Eve "dolls"...tonight, it will add a whole new meaning to "this won't hurt a bit..."