Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I Need...Me

I will be the first to admit it: I am high maintenance. I like having my hair cut and colored. I like having acrylic nails, and I like having them done every two weeks. I like tanning. I like high heels, and rarely don't wear them. I like pearls and I wear them every day. I like makeup, and I wear that every day, too. I like buying all the newest beauty products. I like reading gossip and beauty magazines. For me, being cute is like a hobby. Some people hunt or fish or run or knit. I look cute.

Take it or leave it, this is me.

Problem is, I am attracted to men who are low-maintenance and outdoorsy. And they take one look at me, and leave it.

Looking at my online dating profile, typically the only men who look at my profile are old men in the 60+ age group, apparently searching for trophy wives. The second are guys who are barely 2s, when I am practically a 10. That is just wrong. I would rather floss my teeth with pubic hair than date men from either of these groups.

Alas, in the hope of convincing some man to date me sometime in the not-too-distant future, I have considered a potential plan to make myself appear a little less high maintenance. The only problem is that I don't know how to be anything other than who I am.

Likewise, I recently had a conversation with my friend S about my blog. S is perhaps my greatest blogging supporter, and in addition to having my ego stroked over being cute, I also appreciate having my ego stroked over my writing skills.

I was lamenting to S on a mistake I thought I made, sharing my blog with a date too soon. Do I reveal too much in here? Probably. That's just me. S took a look at it and told me that I come off as an "unapologetic bitch", and that some men can't take that, because they expect their women to be "fluffy like bunnies, both inside and out".

An unapologetic bitch, huh? Well...I suppose their is some truth to that. Even if I didn't say it, I would still feel it, and where's the sense in that? I am blatantly honest, possibly to a fault. I make no apologies for my high maintenance-ness, my anti-depressants and my anti-anxiety meds, for flirting with certain Married Guys, for still harboring unrequited crushes on Soul Mates 12 years after the fact, for choosing to raise my daughter as a single mother, for loving Britney Spears, or for the fact that I spent the majority of this day on tanning and hair appointments, reading Glamour magazine and blogging.

Even though it stings, I guess if someone can't accept me for the high maintenance, unapologetic bitch that I can be, then he really doesn't deserve the privilege of my company, anyway.

And, I guess to steal yet another line from Britney, here's all I probably need at this stage in my life: "I need time...I need space...I need me..."


  1. I think you've just realized THE most important thing. To be who you are, as you want to be and those don't like it are welcome to leave. :-)

    In the infinite wisdom of Dr. Seuss, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

    You are loved and while I know you are lonely now, it won't be for long. Its better to learn to love yourself as you are before trying to find someone to fill that gap for you.

    This was a hard lesson for me. A really, really hard lesson. But when I finally found joy in being me, BY MYSELF, someone special walked in the door. And because I had found contentment in my own company and built up my self-esteem based on intrinsic value rather than external validations, its been the best, healthiest, happiest relationship I've ever been in...much to my continuing surprise.

    I think you're perfect, just as you are. Witty, sassy, bitchy, smart, adorable, and yes, visually cute & put together. Just send anyone who can doesn't think so on their merry way; flicking at them like an annoying fly.

  2. The only person you ever need to change for is yourself. I don't think there's a damn thing wrong with you. However, my opinion doesn't count. If you are good with who you are, that's all that matters. To anyone else who has a problem with it, get rid of them. They're called poison. I'm pretty sure you don't want daily doses of poison.

  3. I'm a very girly girl too. I love makeup, clothes, doing my nails, spending way too much time on my hair and shopping like there is no tomorrow. And its funny but I like low maintenance guys too, so I wonder what they think of my girly ways. Anyways, reading this post got me thinking of one of my fave quotes: “Fuck em if they can’t take a joke.” I’m actually in the middle of writing a post about that, but what it makes me think of is, “Fuck em if they don’t get me.” We are who we are and we are awesome! No apologies.

    Additionally, I too have thought about sharing my blog with people who are new in my life and I have to admit that often don’t. I only share it with family members I trust and friends that I am super close too. New friends or dates don’t get to see it or even hear about it. Not because I’m ashamed, but I wouldn’t tell a new guy on the 1st date the stuff I blog about like all the innermost details of my breakup, the pain I’ve been through, or the things I’ve learned. I wouldnt even share that on the 10th date. It takes time to get to know someone and create a picture of who they are and I would only slowly reveal myself as trust builds between me and a new person. Oh and if once they know me, they dont get it, then fuck em! :)