Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Wedding Tips for the Bitter

Sooo...it would appear to me that I have taken an extended vacation from this whole blogging thing, though not entirely on purpose. I have a multitude of reasons that I could use as excuses, including the fact that as rumor has it, my ex stalks my blog to look for evidence that I am a poor parent to our daughter, or that it's been summer which equals tourist season at work, therefore lending me a lot less time for personal pursuits like blogging.

Truth is, I met a really fantastic man, and we pretty much had the first date that never ended: he basically moved in with me the night of our first date, and we haven't been apart much since, at least since we introduced our kids to each other. Previously, my blogging had my fueled by the flames of my anger that just sprayed out in no particular direction, but meeting the aforementioned man kinda dulled that fire and all of the anger I had inside me, and therefore, I was left creativity challenged, and usually I rarely have anything nice to say, and if it happens to be nice, I typically don't bother saying it at all. So, thus, I quit blogging for a while. But now I'm back.

Sadly, the really fantastic man is writing a fiction novel of his own, and has much more discipline than I do. While he is writing and revising, I am taking four-hour naps, brushing the dog, watching iCarly, shopping, Facebooking or any number of time-wasting activities that suit my fancy on that given day. Needless to say, my progress on what I hope will be my big break at last is sparse.

So, I have a friend who is equally as cynical and sarcastic as I. She has grown to become one of my favorite people, and we share a sense of humor that is so questionable, her now-fiance once asked her, "Are you sure you should send her that? It is a bit...offensive". She explaned that I wouldn't find it offensive, but rather humorous. And of course, she was right.

Over the weekend, she became engaged to her long-term boyfriend, though not unsurprisingly, as they've been building to this point for quite some time. She sent out a mass email to her friends, asking for wedding tips. I decided I'd reply in my own special fashion, a fashion that is probably duplicated and/or understood by few.

Thinking about tying the knot? Here's my list of realistic tips, and I am sure you will find them equally as helpful and warm and snuggly as I do:

First, CONGRATULATIONS on snaggin' N for life! Your ring is FAB. Did you have input on selecting it? Or did he surprise you with the ring style? I imagine you are quite pleased! I, of course, have the intense desire to inquire about carat weight, which I immediately did upon my second engagement, about like, 1.5 minutes after the proposal, but everyone told me this was bad manners and socially unacceptable. However, if you were to willingly offer this info, I would not complain. Remember, I relentlessly nag the boyfriend about rings even though he already bought me my wild-cherry appliances that could be considered a promise ring of sorts, I suppose, but I am still careful to point any and all rings out, as I have a talent for meticulously cataloging rings on both men and women. It's a shameless hobby. Alas, my boyfriend was forced to look at your ring as he was trying to drive yesterday. I am THAT shameless, that'd I'd risk a fiery death in a car accident in order to show him photos of rings.

Okay, so you want my wedding tips, huh? BAHAHAAAAAAA! Keep in mind that when I got married, I was a totally different person than what I have become now. So...

1. Why get married at all? I mean, now that you've got the ring and all...just sayin'. I'm gonna need some pretty hard-core benefits--preferably financial--to want to do THAT again. I mean, sheesh! What did I do to deserve that kind of punishment again?!? Though, admitedly, if Z asked, I would say yes, but that is due in part to a claim on his military benefits and pension that I'd only get if we were legally married. That being said, forever never seems like too long until you are wrong. Keep that in mind.

2. Since I suspect you will not listen to my advice on this topic at all, I may also suggest that you don't marry in September, as you have suggested you would like to do. Both of my failed marriages have been in September--my wedding that I *almost* went through with was scheduled for September 15 (2001, of all years--at a time when the entire country was at a standstill); and my "real" wedding was September 28. It'd be kinda funny, actually, if I got married and had another wedding in September. At least it'd be funny to me. I'm kinda weird like that.

3. Again, I know you aren't going to listen, but don't invest a ka-zillion dollars in your dress. I (unintentially) lost about 10 pounds in the few weeks before my wedding, and for some reason, it went from the boobs, which is never the case any other time I lose weight. So even before I walked down the aisle, I had bridesmaids trying to seal me into the dress with pins and double-sided tape. By the end of the ceremony, there was dried wax flowing down the front of the dress, from the taper candles that should've lit the unity candle (which wouldn't light, and should've been a sign). It was a pain to bustle, and dragged in the dirt, so the whole hem was filthy. I am pretty sure champagne was spilled on it in the limo. Before I made it to the reception, it was already in rough shape, and only went downhill from there. I later wished that I'd used that dress for the ceremony, and then changed to my wedding dress from my "first wedding" for the reception, as that dress was much more simple and didn't have a train. At any rate, both gowns are something that have been tossed in a closet at my mom's house. It's not like my daughter will ever wear it, or I'd like, make a quilt out of it or something. Though it just struck me that it would be HILARIOUS to make a quilt out of it for Jason's next wedding, and give it to him as a wedding gift. I don't know how to make a quilt, mind you, but I am sure I could find someone to do it for me.

4. Obviously, you will wear a tiara. That's a given. But don't even bother looking at bridal shops. Check eBay and online retailers, and don't get something that has a veil attached. That way, you can wear them separately, for comfort purposes. My veil was yanked multiple times, and since it was pinned in my hair so tightly, I am surprised it did not result in a severe case of whiplash. Or hey...you could wear MY wedding tiara, since you already have it in your posession! I could send you the veil, too! Bahahahaaa! "Something borrowed..."

5. Nobody signs a guest book. Like, half the guests or less will actually sign it, and of that half, probably a fair chunk of them will write nasty and/or perverted notes to accompany it. And really, are you going to look back at it anyway? Will you and N sit around on your anniversaries and look through your guest book? Plus, it just causes congestion at the door of your ceremony site, because people are too busy writing nasty sentiments to move their asses to their proper seating locations.

6. Cake rules. I don't need to tell you that. I didn't do the whole "save the top of the cake" crap, so the whole thing was gone by the end of the reception. I consumed, at a minimum, three pieces, so I could taste each flavor, and it was MY wedding, right? So I could eat all the cake I wanted. And I am sure cake became another addition to my filthy wedding dress, as did all the Coke I drank throughout the reception. Yeah, that's right. Coke. I was stoked to be able to drink Coke again, because I avoided it for about three weeks thanks to the whole tooth-whitening thing. Drinking Coke again was like being able to sip the Nectar of the Gods.

7. If you plan to wear hose--which I doubt you will, especially in Florida, go with thigh-highs, so you don't have to wrestle with them to pee. And dehydrate yourself if necessary, to keep peeing to an absolute minimum. Since peeing will require help so your dress doesn't fall in the potty, photos will inevitably be taken and will surface. Keep this to a minimum by peeing as little as possible.

8. One thing that pisses me off as a guest is when you get to the reception, and you end up sitting and waiting for your dinner for like, two hours while you wait for the bride and groom to show. So, I had a jazz band and hors d' ouevres for that in between time, when people arrived and when they got dinner, to keep them occupied and prevent them from acting like rabid monkeys, scratching and clawing and shrieking in high-pitched voices out of boredom and hunger.

9. I do not like "cover bands", so if any "dancing" was to be involved in this reception of mine, I had to have a DJ. People got live music with the jazz band before dinner. The DJ was a total nitwit, but by then, I didn't care. I just wanted it to be over so I could leave for Mexico.

10. I thought bouquet tossing was ludacris, so instead, I went with this Finnish tradition--and I am 100 percent Finnish, not that I care. So, the tradition is that all of the single women stand around the bride in a circle, and the bride is blindfolded. The bride has a TIARA and she is spun around in a circle, supposedly to lose her grasp of where she is while leaving her dizzy and nauseated, perhaps a tactic to take away from the inevitable thoughts of what she just did by commiting herself to sex with one man for eternity. I didn't lose my grasp on location, though, and like most contests involving a tiara, it was rigged for me to pick a certain friend. Alas, anything with a tiara is good, right?

11. About the favors...every wedding I've gone to has had crap favors. I can't think of a single wedding where I've enjoyed the favors, mine included. My original idea was little floral pots with seeds--you know, like "true love blooms!!!"--wrapped in a bow, and now I can't even remember why that didn't work out. So...I ended up with like, 200 mini flower pots. I ended up with personalized fortune cookies, two packed in mini Chinese takeout containers and wrapped with ribbon. Random but yet cliche. And because I hate when people clank their silver against their china for "kissing", I had these little "kissing bells" that were like little silver bells on a business card. And of these favors, I bet like, 75 percent were left behind and tossed in the trash. If you are gonna go with favors, go with something like handmade chocolates...or BETTER YET, I see Lush offers a wedding favor service. But I doubt men would be excited over bath bombs, but too damn bad. They probably came with a woman anyway, and if they didn't, that increases the odds that they would indeed enjoy a good bath bomb.

I am sure I will think of more "helpful tips", and I will message you when I do. Bahahahaaaaa! In the end, mine ended up as more, "Uhhh, Mom? Um...sorry about that day that I married that d-bag who ended up fathering your grandchild after we managed to waste $25,000 on a one-day affair..." I have no doubt, however, that yours will come with a happily-ever-after ending.

Truth be told, should I ever marry again, I'd rather take the money involved in creating such a spectacle and put it toward a fabulous new house, complete with outdoor hot tub, something I've been coveting for a while. Or a fab honeymoon in a location where celebs also honeymoon, of which I can no longer name, since I am that behind on my gossip mags. Or, like, an retainer account for the impending divorce that would inevitably follow any marriage of mine.

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